Fallen Soldiers

Have you ever wondered what will happen once all of our soldiers have fallen? Once all of the activist that fought for our equality, our justice leave and it is just us? Are you prepared to pick up the baton and finish running the race; or will you just be a spectator and let others run the race and control how you have been accustomed to living?

All of these questions plagued me over the weekend. With the death of Maya Angelou, it made me think of all the other soldiers who fought and continue to fight for us. Honestly, I do not know if I am ready to pick up that baton. I believe in equality and justice, but the things that my people went through for us, I do not know if I have the skin to do it knowing the consequences. Yet the race still has to go on.

I am impressed and disappointed with my generation. So many of us have fallen victim to our society instead of coming out with the victory. We our letting the culture, the craze of today, dictate the lives in which we live. Systematically we are being controlled by others and since some of us lack the mental capacity to retain the knowledge needed to get us to the next level; we become stagnant.It’s sad really. We, myself included have been so caught up in living through others faux realities and struggles, that we lose site of what our struggles feel like. Living vicariously through people who probably wish they could live life through you.Now isn’t that funny.

We do not know how good we have it. Even on our bad days, life could be so much worst. It is funny that the same things that entertain us, are the same thing that separates us as a society. We are losing the race and we are not even aware of it. So much madness going on all over the world that is effecting the way we live our day-to-day lives, the way our children conduct themselves,and the way our government governs us. Because we choose to look pass the problem, that soon becomes our issue.

I see a lot of people worried about other countries. a lot of save our girls. Honestly, how can someone save “our girls”
when they need help saving their own. As a nation, we are lost. Whether you realize it or not, we are lost. Who will put out an S.O.S for us? In a country who are willing to fight for other countries, but everywhere you turn, we are at war with ourselves. Whose going to help save our girls? Whose going to help father our boys? Whose going to teach the hard to learn about the life that is so hard to live?

Are you going to pick up the baton and continue the race so that the next generation can stand on your shoulders as we did of the others who have rallied and ran for us? Are will you continue to be a spectator just standing upon their shoulders until they fall 6 feet deep into the grown the paved for you? The choice is yours.

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Maya

Today is a sad day, this is one of the few pieces I will ever date. May 28, 2014, the day that my mentor, Maya Angelou, soul was laid to rest.

I may have never had the chance to meet her, but my soul is screaming out, my eyes can’t hold back the tears. I never understood why people get so upset when celebrities die; and today I catch myself doing the same thing. I guess now I can relate to some of that hurt, that pain, because I am an emotional wreck.

I guess you never know what connection that person had, or what that person did to change their lives. It is amazing how someone can just touch your life through their work or sacrifice they have made to uplift society. How something or someone can have such an incredible impact on the world.

Let me tell you who Maya Angelou was for me. She was my shero. She was more than just a phenomenal woman, she lived her life phenomenally. Through all that life has taken her through, she overcame and was victorious. She was more than her current situation. She did not let her past hold her back from her future, she allowed her past to set precedence for changes that would impact it.

I loved this woman and we never even met. She touched my soul with every word she wrote, every speech she made, just her presence was like home for me. She understood me and often it felt as though her words and poems were written with me in mind. She was like my poetry mother, my mentor. I am so grateful to have been born to the era in which you flourished your incandescent light.

I know I may be rambling, but I am truly at a lost for words to have so many. Often times we think people will live forever. The reality is that we are guaranteed two things; being lucky enough to be born, and that one day, we too shall pass.

Your not guaranteed a chance at life, at actually living life. You only get one chance to make your imprint on the world. If you have yet to start living, today is the day. Let life begin today!

Maya Angelou said it best when she would recite a Langston Hughes classic, “Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.
It’s had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.”

Life will indeed be a rocky road, but it is so worth the climb. Don’t be so afraid of splinters that it holds you back from experiencing the true joys of life. Hurt and pain is inevitable, but joy will come in the morning. Don’t be the bird in the cage, sing your freedom song for the masses. Step out on faith and make your imprint on the world. Even if it is not much to you, it may be everything someone else needed. Allow God to use you to encompass His blessings onto others and believe me His blessings will rain all over you. Even if you don’t have much faith in yourself or your current situation, remember God said you only need faith the size of a mustard seed.
Rest in Paradise Beautiful… If God is so gracious to allow me into His Kingdom, we will meet soon enough.

Find Your Rainbow

We live life everyday dealing with the struggle to just keep on living; believing that tomorrow will be a new day. Sometimes, that tomorrow comes and it is just the same old mundane day you just encountered. Nothing spectacular, nothing that made you think, just another day.

I have those days more often than most. Though my job is fairly simple it doesn’t mean life is. I think that is what people don’t tend to comprehend about each other. We have other things besides trying to make a living that we have to deal with on a regular basis. For some, they go home with screaming kids, husband/wifely duties, having to cook/clean, take care of the sick in shut in; I mean the amount of things that one has stacked upon their plate is limitless.

Then there are those like myself, who goes home to no kids. Now I am not bragging, because hopefully one day that will be my reality, but for now… I am good. It is just not my time. Though I do go home and deal with internal struggles. Discovering me is a journey that has no stop sign, and I swear it never yields or slows down, it just goes. Keep in mind, I want it to go, because once the ride stops the journey ends. I don’t know about you, but I am still trying to enjoy the ride.

Throughout life we encounter a lot of storms and rainy days, and most days will be blah. We will laugh, we will cry, and know what pain truly feels like. Believe me, life for me much like Maya Angelou, has not been a crystal stair, but as life goes on, everyday I find my rainbow.

You may ask what do I mean about finding rainbows?

I mean finding that one thing that makes you smile despite the pain, despite the hurt, the mundane. Finding the reason to wake up and do it all over again. Even when you may not see it, that rainbow still exist. It could be the smile on your child’s face, the conversation with a friend, a conversation with God; but believe me in the midst of that storm, there always arises a rainbow.

For me, I sit at work and watch the sunset. Somehow the fade of the sun rays create this pink and purple horizon that is just beautiful. The simplicity in God’s creations are often just simply, beautiful. While I am stressing about everyday things I have to stay alive, and He reminds me of reasons to just keep on living.

What I am saying is, don’t let that cloud be the same one that may distract you from seeing that rainbow of opportunity that allows you to embrace that little bit of sunshine that just might brighten up your day. Find that rainbow, keep smiling, keep shining your light unto the world even when you feel as though all hope may be gone. Because even at the end of the day you made it, you survived, and you are stronger because of it. And all it took was finding your rainbow.

Colonic Soul…

In spring we find ourselves cleaning, getting ready for the summer. Trying to fix our house up for guests, trying to fix our bodies up for show, but what are we doing to cleanse our soul. What are we doing to fix us so that Spring is not just a season but a lifestyle?

Some of us live hectic day-to-day lives, and we rarely take the time out to feed and nurture the soul, to seek our own mental stability. Too busy working out or cleaning house to take you away from the true issue that may lie within. Masking the issues with unnecessary necessities that keeps your mind focused on the mechanisms of life and not the engine that keeps them going.

What are you doing to cleanse your soul?

I would love to say I meditate, but no… God and I talk frequently though. But it is mostly when I need to be calmed down. I like some other artist live a somewhat chaotic life, mostly because my mind never stays still. One season does not dictate my year, nor does keeping myself busy alleviate the outcome of my sanity.

 Unfortunately fantasy, does not postpone reality. If we do not figure out how to cleanse our soul, cleansing everything else is just irrelevant. Even if you wear your feelings on your sleeve, those emotions do not leave once you hit them with soap and water.  And a colon cleanse does just that, helps your colon. What are you doing to give your soul a colonic.

Writing tends to sooth my soul, it is definitely my self therapy. Writing gives me a chance to take my own advice based on the written perception of events that had occurred in my life, without knowing that the situation at hand is my own. I know kind of eclectic, but hey what else could you expect from a person such as myself.  Yet that is my own method, you will have to figure out your own way to cleanse your soul; to center yourself.

Find you, Embrace you, and Love who you are. Cleanse yourself of all those unneccessary toxins that are holding you back from being at minimum copacetic. Believe me you will fill much better after you let that trash out your system and give your soul the cleanse it deserves.

Letting Go…

I always find it hard to let friends go, but over a period of time you start to realize, that your friendship is one-sided. That you have been the friend to them that they have never been to you.

I have always been the type who tries to support, tries to be there, but life is hilarious.  Sometimes life throws you those people who are too preoccupied to entertain your tears, when at times you have been a shoulder for theirs.

Remember some people are only meant for a season. Some people were just meant to meet you, to help them get thru that part of their life, and in return, they are your obstacle to overcome. You have been their blessing even though it seems they have been your curse.

I said all that to say this… Rejoice, because not only will you be blessed, but that is one less piece of baggage to take with you on your Journey.

Half full or Half Empty…

In my 29 years of life I have experienced more than one should. Much like you, I too have had a journey. Not all has been bad, I would even say not even half; but sometimes I dictate life through my negative experiences. By those few traumatized moments that has brought me heartache, tears, confusion, and depression.

Raised as an only child by two loving parents, the picture seems to be through a vaseline view, much like a dream sequence. When I grew up we even had a dog. The encouragement I receive and the support I was provided by my parents was unmeasurable. The glass that many looked at when it came to my life was indeed half full. I went to a Catholic school, had all types of friends, and was very close to my family. I got along with everyone, had a very open perception of life. Yet again this was looking at the glass half full.

Let’s take a look at it half empty….

Open the door on my life, I had very low self-esteem as a child. Though I was healthy, smart, and athletic, I was also dark skin and overweight.  Even though my mother would tell me all the time, “Your Beautiful”, it was often hard for me to find that beauty in a mirror. All I could see to find was my flaws.

At the age of seven I started writing poetry. By the age of  eleven I had perfected my craft of being able to get my thoughts across on paper. Yet the thoughts I was having weren’t embraced by the masses. They were thoughts that had plagued me for years. I would here songs and they would become triggers.

I remember my first time I actually comprehended “somewhere over the rainbow.” That song became the title to my first suicidal piece. I will never forget how scared my parents were. They had me talking to a guidance counselor a psychologist over the phone, I mean it was really crazy. I cannot even imagine now what was so bad then that I wanted to take my own life.

Yet I can understand how low it makes others feel to be bullied and called names they are not. This could be the reason I am ultra sensitive when people do it to me as an adult. I guess it takes me back to that little girl i used to be, to the hurtful memories of being insecure with me and feeling worthless.  I can relate to feeling belittled by your peers, because even though I thought I had friends back then, it was those same people who made you feel like nothing, made you feel non-existent, so why not figure out ways to non exist.

I hated to disappoint my parents I strived my whole life to try to make them proud without compromising the journey to finding myself. What I found out was sometimes, they let me down. The picture I had of them much like the picture that others had of us as a unit, was not crystal clear, it was more like iridescent; changing every time I looked at them. How could we strive to be such perfect people born into an imperfect world.

Yet through all their flaws they loved me, even when they claimed they stop loving each other there was no, or little doubt that they didn’t love me.  They now are all I have. My grandparents are all deceased. Yet even their childhood story tells a story that inflicted the vision of their future. Yet that is something for them to write about, because my perception may be a deception on their reality.

Nevertheless, now that I am older and a little wiser I ca reflect back on my life and everything that has happened to me, and say I can now look at a glass as just a half. We have all made mistakes, We have all had accomplishments, we have all went through obstacles in life that we can grow from.  No matter what path it leads us down, we should be able to sit back and take a look at how did we arrive here; and from where you stand determine where it is you want to go.

Just a note….

There is a beauty in the eyes of sinners… A pain that cannot be describes in a picture, in a word… There is a darkness in the eyes of the redeemed, where they can only move forward because they are afraid to look back.. Too afraid that their past will revisit their future…. We all have a past, we all have a present… But don’t let your past and curent situation dictate the vision of where you are headed.

Peel Back….

I don’t know about you all, but sometimes the devil is on my back so hard I just go into solitary confinement. My soul feels numb, and anyone around me can catch my rath. Rage is in my heart, and I just become furious where all I see is black and red; to a point where I become colorblind to the truth.

These are the times I often do not pick up the phone. I do not talk to many people and at work I paint on the best face I can, and pray that the day passes fairly quickly. These are the times where you can catch my phone on vibrate or silent, most likely silent, so that I cannot see or hear when I get a text message. Stress just becomes this overbearing force that I cannot defeat. My soul becomes weary, and as I mentioned falls into this numbness.

Life can always be so much worst. At the time I am just bitter to happiness and joy, and let me tell you.. It is really just  sucks, ill feeling. Yet, even then I think, what can I do to change this negative feeling into a positive healing?

I had to think of it like this… Everyday is an orange; you have to peel back the layers, pull off the web that has been cast over you, in order to get to the sweet fruit within. If you were to just squeeze it without puling back those layers, which most of us do, a few drops do come out. Yet those few drops, few moments of positivity, stress freedom, that you do have doesn’t compare to the lifetime of happiness you could achieve just by pulling back the layers.  Get that negativity off your fruit!!!

I mean the reality is, you’re the only person feeling that burden, and you do not want that energy to contain the room.  It is so easy to be the downer, so easy to frown, so easy to discourage. Why not challenge yourself to be different? It will not kill you to pull back a few layers and take a bite at life… Breathe it in and enjoy, because not every moment in life has to have a core. I know I am just going to take sometime out to scratch the surface.

Peace and Love

Destiny